currently sitting at my imac (which never, ever happens). i left my trusty ole iphone on top of the volvo today… oliver & i walked around fo eva looking for it. then i realized… don’t they make that find my phone thingy for icloud? duuuuuh! how cool is that though. i found it! winbourne & westover. we walked right past it. unfortunately, since i’ve locked it & located it it’s turned off… so maybe someone has it? we shall see. if i don’t find it by tomorrow it’ll be erased. i’m due for a new phone anyway & all my shiz is backed up. 

We are finally back to regularly doing yoga every morning. It feels so nice. I feel like I can breathe again. I can’t wait for the spring so we can practice outside. I’m currently crocheting these ridiculous slippers. I’m using roving & plan on felting them because they are h u g e. I mean gigantic. So I really really hope they shrink a bunch. I’ve also been 98% raw lately. I really love coffee & ginger ale or I’d be 100%. I’m so thankful to have a toddler who enjoys all the food we eat. This is a stoned ramble. Because the boy is gone & I really need to go into our deep dark basement to change the laundry but I just don’t want to. So this is what I’m doing.

Five months ago today was the last time I saw my dad alive. I remember it so well. We spent the day with him in Chapel Hill. He was so weak he could barely walk but refused a wheel chair. He got great news about how well his treatment was going. He ate a whole box of mini cakes from Whole Foods to celebrate. My mom met us at that stupid steak house close to her house with O so we could all have dinner together. Then we hugged & kissed in the parking lot. & I watched him drive away. I watched him get onto 85 & drive away. Less than twenty four hours later he was gone. That was it.
I don’t understand why he didn’t call us. We were there. I could have made it to the hospital. I could have been there.
I think he knew. He had to have known. Nancy said he was so calm when he called her. & that he remained calm. All of his doctors said he was calm. They said he felt nothing. But how true is that? They probably say that to everyone. I want to know. He made it through surgery fine. His bleeding was under control. His heart quit. He was so weak. It was too much. They said they worked on him for thirty minutes. He had to have felt something. & I know he knew all along.
That day O cried like he had never cried before. For thirty minutes. I know it was while they were trying to bring him back. My brother called a little bit later. That must have been him touching O.
For a few weeks after my dad died I could feel him around me. I knew he was there. One day I was walking O before his nap & he touched my head. I felt his warmth. I knew. Little things kept happening for awhile.
I’ve never felt this way before. I have never felt touched by someone who wasn’t here anymore. I wonder if O feels him too.
I’ve never missed someone this way. There isn’t a way for me to not miss him. I’ll never hug him again. He’ll never walk me down the isle. He’ll never hold O’s hand or see how we’ll he walks. He’ll never hear him say “grandpa” in that cute little raspy voice.
How do I go on? I feel guilty for not being there. We should have moved back. We were planning on it but things happened so quickly. I should have been there more. Especially with O. They never really got to know one another.
There is too much in my head lately. I think too hard & too deeply. I’m not sure if its because of how unhappy I am in this little mountain town or if its something else. I love my little family. I love our life together & the way we are but I’m so unhappy here. The only people I have are them. Something’s got to change.

seriously in need of a good friend. someone i do not work with or have to see everyday. i haven’t felt this alone in so long. which is silly, considering i always have a nineteen pound  little human on my hip or at my feet. i want to go home. i want to be closer to my family. i regret not moving back to north carolina sooner. i hate that my son will never know my father. they were only able to meet a few times. i can’t believe that it has been two months. two full, long months since i last hugged my dad. i miss him more & more everyday. i don’t even know what to say anymore. i don’t have anything to talk about. just oliver. i could talk about oliver for days. he’s so fucking cute. all i want to do is stare at him & play with him all day. i don’t even know how i grew such a cute human. he’s perfect & wonderful & i love him so much. he makes everything okay.